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Wicked Sun

July 29, 2010

A condensed version of this story, 101 words exactly, received Honorable Mention in the Dog Days of Summer Contest at Michael J. Solender’s blog where you can download the e-chap book of contest entries free.

Photo by Van Donovan
The sun stalked her, wringing the moisture from her body, scorching her tender flesh. Hair clung to her neck and forehead, sweat stung her eyes. She ran her damp t-shirt across her face again and pushed forward, cursing her busted radiator and the wretched heat.

A breeze kicked up, dust swirled around her, caking sweat to her arms and neck then dying as quickly as it came. She screamed her frustration to the barren desert, begging for a long shower and a cold drink, as the blazing orb mocked her from its throne on high. She spit her disgust in the dirt, but only air passed her cracked lips. Catching her foot on a rock, she stumbled, landing face first in the sand, a cloud of dirt filling her lungs. She choked and gasped for air, each breath drawing in more dirt than the last.

The sun moved in on its fallen prey, wrapping its heat around her like a mighty fist, suffocating her on the desert floor.

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32 Comments leave one →
  1. July 29, 2010 3:46 PM

    Wicked story! Not a pleasant way to go.

  2. July 29, 2010 7:39 PM

    I could actually feel her thirst, her anxiety, her angst.

  3. Ian permalink
    July 29, 2010 8:40 PM

    A dark end in such a bright place. Scary. Nice going.

    Cheers,
    Ian

  4. Deanna Schrayer permalink
    July 30, 2010 1:29 AM

    Wow Danielle, this is fabulous! I too felt her pain. Wouldn’t be at all suprised if this wins the contest. Great work!

  5. July 30, 2010 4:33 AM

    Fantastic story in a scary way. Excellent.

  6. July 30, 2010 8:15 AM

    Very well done creating a real character of the sun, and a malignant one, at that.

  7. July 30, 2010 11:19 AM

    Excellent and horrific. Great story.

    …This is how I feel about summer in SoCal. πŸ˜‰

    Good luck in the contest. If I were a judge, this story would win.

  8. July 30, 2010 11:24 AM

    My dad lives in the desert. This is the truest story ever. Well done.

  9. July 30, 2010 11:37 AM

    Wow, I need a drink. Well written

  10. July 30, 2010 12:08 PM

    My mouth got dry just reading it. Wicked ending! Your endings are always so graphic and abrubt! The visuals and wording ie. orb were superb. Very well done….as usual!!!

  11. July 30, 2010 2:33 PM

    Oh I hate the heat, so this brought me out in goosebumps. Nasty, nasty way to go!

  12. July 30, 2010 7:44 PM

    Awesome story. I tend to hide from the sun anyway; this just reaffirms my fears. πŸ™‚

  13. July 31, 2010 5:58 AM

    Very nice move having the sun as a hunter/predator, it is like a sniper’s sight in some ways.

    Think you mean wretched rather than retched?

    Bests

    marc

  14. July 31, 2010 6:04 AM

    Loved wrapping its heat around her like a mighty fist. Peace…

  15. July 31, 2010 6:29 AM

    Bravo! I thoroughly enjoyed this piece and could almost feel the desert heat. So brief and yet so powerful.

  16. July 31, 2010 8:27 AM

    Thank you all for the comments. I had fun writing this one. Living in the desert will do this to you! πŸ™‚

  17. July 31, 2010 2:54 PM

    Strong story. Really feel the heat. Great use of 101 words.

  18. July 31, 2010 3:14 PM

    “as the blazing orb mocked her from its throne on high.”
    Can almost hear the evil chortling.
    Nasty end.
    Very well done.
    :0)

  19. July 31, 2010 3:42 PM

    Wow, poor girl! I could just picture her dehydrating and suffocating.

    Good luck with the contest!

    CD

  20. July 31, 2010 4:40 PM

    I could almost taste the sand myself. Well done! And good luck on the contest. πŸ™‚

  21. Travis King permalink
    July 31, 2010 6:21 PM

    1. A clear introduction, establishing what is to come. “The sun stalked her….”

    2. A narrative that presents characters (Sun & woman) in conflict.

    3. A conclusion in which at least one of the characters has changed (from living to dead, she has succumbed to her antagonist.

    Everything that makes a story. And not only that, but the tone, the language, the theme of humanity’s subservience to nature, are all carefully crafted. And all in fewer than 200 words. BRAVO! That’s a very very tough thing to do. Although there have been many good stories this week, if this were a competition, I’d choose yours; that you managed to say everything necessary and say it well in such a short space is nothing short of amazing.

  22. Kelly permalink
    August 1, 2010 9:34 AM

    Another great flash Danni!

  23. August 2, 2010 10:33 AM

    Great piece, as always. You are really into the dark stuff these days πŸ˜›

  24. Rocio permalink
    August 2, 2010 8:50 PM

    I would hate to be her, what suffering and pain. Well done, Danielle.

  25. August 3, 2010 12:28 AM

    This: “…wrapping its heat around her like a mighty fist…”is a wonderful desciption. Great story. Thanks.

  26. August 3, 2010 11:35 AM

    sweltering… I think the temp has risen in my house since I started reading your piece.

    Sooooo good πŸ™‚
    ~2

  27. August 27, 2010 8:28 AM

    *BLEAH!* I HAD to read this the day my air-conditioner is on the fritz. *L* Very vivid discriptions, Danni.

  28. Misty permalink
    October 21, 2010 1:08 PM

    That is SO descriptive in so few words. Well done. I need my iced tea now…

  29. January 13, 2011 4:40 PM

    Wow, I totally needed to see this tonight! Already sweating and feeling warm. Nice!

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